So, I wrote a game. Ish. I wrote a one page RPG for the One Page RPG Jam on itch.io.

You can find it here if you want it:

But I want to take a moment and reflect on the thoughts I have about creating the game.

See, I’m really bad at finishing projects. Doing something like putting a submission in for a game jam is NOT my style at all. I did this one because a friend on Facebook suggested it to me and I didn’t know how to say no to the idea.

So, this took shape from concept to final version in about 5 days. I had an idea, I wrote a few notes, then I just pushed through and wrote the main text in one big push. And it was done.

So what’s the difference between this and other projects like a VN I’ve been working on for a little over a year now and a game that I’ve wanted to finish for about 5 years? The difference is – I care about those projects.

Not to say that this wasn’t fun. It was a cute little exercise in fluff game making. But, like, 10 people are ever going to read it. (I checked and it has been downloaded 7 times on itch.io. I’m pretty sure I know at least 5 of the people who downloaded it personally.) It didn’t have to be great, or even good, it just had to hold together for its extremely limited scope. It’s a game about an unnamed apocalypse cult whose leader found a pristine Live, Laugh, Love sign in the ruins of the suburbs and now wants to convert everyone to his way of thinking. It barely has any mechanics. It’s cute but it’s not serious.

The other thing is… it was short. It was like High School classwork again. It was the kind of thing I could do in literally one draft with a little bit of polishing and it was done. Five days from conception to completion. I didn’t need to invest any emotional energy into it, and, it didn’t have enough time to allow my depression to make me hate it.

Because that’s what happens to every project I try. Once I’m invested in something, I will find a way to hate it so much that my own ability to work on it will be destroyed. My VN and my full RPG will never see the light of day. My stories about Amelia the Healer will never see the light of day. My campaign world will never see the light of day. Because to me they represent emotional hurdles I will never be able to overcome. Self-loathing is a hell of an impediment to creativity.

And things like this RPG Jam entry, while fun, are also crushing. They remind me that I have good ideas, that I have some talent as a creative. I just hate myself too much to allow it to become anything.

Sorry, this is a bit bleaker than I normally post on the gaming side of things.

Anyway. Thanks for reading and if you want to check out my One Page RPG; enjoy. It’s likely the only work I’ll complete.